This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
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Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
I don’t always announce myself on conference calls but when I do it’s always at the exact same time as somebody else.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
Tall girls might get modeling contracts but I can still ask for the high school student discount.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My 4yo just shut the bathroom door on me while I was inside and told me I was in jail. So I locked the door. I love this game.
One time I brought a friend perfume, and later we had a huge falling out. Yes, I was sad, but I also imagined her throwing out her gift and a raccoon finding it. And oddly enough a fancy raccoon wandering around San Francisco wearing YSL perfume makes a lot of things better.
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
[morning]
her: did you dream about me?
me: that depends…are you a member of the Backstreet Boys?
her: umm no
me: then no
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I once stayed at an Airbnb where the bathroom had a jacuzzi, a heated floor and warmed towels. I prefer hotels now, because I don’t have to be forcibly removed from them.
*3:30 am
House alarm: whose turn is it to freak her out?
Smoke alarm: I had last week
Alarm clock: Already malfunctioned last month.
HA: Water heater?
WH: *recirculation pump squeals* Got it!
Me: *almost falls out of bed*
HA: HAHAHA! Good work!
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
I can tell I’m watching too much porn when I’m filling up w/ gas & just before the nozzle clicks off I pull it out and spray it on the car.