I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
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You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
put my dad’s hat on a snowman and it immediately left to get cigarettes
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
*points to person jogging outside through the snow*
“Look kids, a lunatic”
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down
Wait, Australia is 14 hours ahead of America? Thanks for the 9/11 warning!
Husband: can we try some new positions in the bedroom?
Me: sure!
Husband: any ideas?
Me: [excited] sleepy sloth?
Husband:
Me: [more excited] hibernating bear?
Husband:
Me: [most excited] the lazy starfish?
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
As ice water runs down my face I conclude, “Boy, you sure like to eat bread!” is not a comment a lady on a dinner date enjoys hearing.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point