Not to barg, but I majored in illiteracy.
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I don’t like to say “bless you” when someone sneezes because I don’t know if they’re religious or not. So instead I just say “I hope you never do that again”
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
[God creating burps]
Ok, that’s gross, can we make it come out the other end?
Angel: yes sir
O-M-G! Hahaha! Do it again! Hahahaha! Dead!
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
[group therapy]
IAN: Hi. I’m Ian. I’m racist
[others nod]
ME: Hi. I’m Mat. I use landscape keyboard on my phone
[screaming]
[Ian pukes]
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Captured by terrorists tied up to a chair with a pillowcase on my head: guys please let me go I swear I’m not a pillow
My dad loves to tell this story ab how when he was a kid his family passed Carlo gambino’s house on the way to church and his dad said solemnly “someday that guys gonna wake up with a bullet in his head”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.