When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
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When someone explains why they’re late, I tell them I don’t buy it and make intense eye contact.
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Me: I’d kill for your body.
Female trainer: Actually, with consistent exercise and clean eating…
Me: No that sounds hard I’d rather do murder
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
Why are iPhone chargers not called “apple juice”?
Sorry/Not Sorry
The Girl With The Grilled Cheese and Bacon Tattoo
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
I just asked the kid working at McDonald’s if the shamrock shakes were made with fresh shamrocks. He went to ask the manager. 😳
the hotdog are finally returning to the pastures. the earth is healing. we are the virus
‘Trying to figure out why the police and I seem to chase the same type of guys’
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
What’s a book that is a red flag for you if you’re on a date and someone says it’s their favorite? For me it’s a book of Polaroids of me sleeping, each one taken on a different night over the course of years, sometimes from the ceiling, and some of the photos show me *older*
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Nothing like a nice refreshing shower to make you sweat relentlessly for at least an hour
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
If I could steal powers like Rogue from X-Men, I’d use it on someone who can fold the fitted sheets.
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
I’m confused about plants
how did they feed babies before the airplane was invented?
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory