maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
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“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Wife: [frantically searching kitchen] I can’t find my stir fry pans.
Me: looks like we need to go for a wok. lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you hid them just to make that pun didn’t you?
Me: you butter believe it : )
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
HR said no more nunchucks.
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
I want what every woman wants at 2 am: Breakfast.
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
this one time, I was able to rob a bank armed with nothing but a notebook filled with poetry I wrote in the 8th grade
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??
Knock Knock