As a kid, I always wondered why my mom never wore the macaroni necklace I made her to work. And now I’m a mom and I’m like, Oh. OK.
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The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
[After 1 beer]
just gonna chill in this bar tonight[After 5 beers]
put me down for Summer Lovin’ on karaoke, I will sing both parts
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
Oh I don’t know. I woke up 2 hours early to get some laundry done. How do you THINK IT’S GOING?
If you ever really want someone to call back, leave them a message saying, “I’ve got tickets to…” and hang up
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
*updates tinder bio*
WFH: Work From Home
my brain: WaFfle House
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
commiting a crime and pretending to be a witness so i can get the police sketch artist to draw my oc for free
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
For someone, somewhere, today is the last day they will have 10 fingers.
whatcha thinkin bout
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
if money doesn’t grow on trees please explain the price of avocados
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
I turn my phone off overnight. A 3am text either means bad news or drunk people, and both make more sense in the morning.
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
I will be celebrating Columbus Day by setting sail for India, landing in Spain, and telling everyone who lives there to move out.
Me [a security guard]: they now control the north lawn and are moving into the parking lot
Supervisor: be that as it may, i will not agree to let you “taser a goose”