My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
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Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
With the rise in grocery prices my cashier now asks if I’m ready before giving me the total, the answer is always no but I appreciate his sensitivity
If crying kids on planes bother you, just have 5 of your own, so that next time you hear one, you’ll be like “Thank God that isn’t mine.”
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
-Babe, I can’t find the condom, what if we don’t use it?
-Sure, I’m ready to be a mother anyways.
-No, no. Look, I found it!
[at grocery store]
Son: Why is this peach fuzzy?
Me: That’s nothing. You should’ve seen them in the 70s
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
Not to brag but I just completed my resolution from 1987.
*correctly programs VCR*
so, is there a mister shapen head
– What was high school like for you?
*2h22m later
– That was just the plot to Shawshank Redemption
Me: Granted, the similarities are uncanny
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Welcome to middle age. Prepare to pay for everything you’ve done to your body over the last 40 years.
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Her: “Oh my God! Where did you learn to do that with your tongue?
Me: “Cadbury eggs.”
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
Next time your work asks why you’re calling out sick, tell them that you have the clap.
They won’t ask again.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman