*watches movie*
*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*
*pauses for three months*
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It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
wife: what’d you do today
me: [ate an entire block of cheese] I kept our son from eating an entire block of cheese
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Generation gap…
Please stop talking about the weather. I recorded this season of The Weather Channel but I haven’t watched it yet.
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
If you took your large intestine and stretched it out in a straight line it would be very hard to get it back in you after that. So tangly.
My insurance does not cover Jesus taking the wheel. I checked.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
If anyone gets drunk later and feels like paying off a credit card or two for me hmu.
the CIA has been tracking me for years cuz they know i saw two sharks jump out of the water and hi-5 but i’d rather die than rat out a shark
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
*pulls up to drive thru window
Hi yes, do you guys deliver?
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.