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True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
I don’t have friends with ugly babies mostly because I believe in honesty
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
My autocorrect changed “today’s meeting” to “today’s meltdown”.
Yes phone, that’s correct.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.
Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
I really showed that Rubik’s Cube who’s unemployed.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.