if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
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Me: What’s your favorite book?
Date: War and Peace
Me: *mouth full of McNuggets* No, you can only choose one
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.
[Baby trying to say first words]
Baby: b..bu
Me: cmon son
Baby: bu..bu..s
Wife: Yes sweetheart
Baby: Bush did 9/11
Me[tearing up]: He knows
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
FITBIT: You’ve done 11k steps today.
ME: Ok, I’ll rest some.
FITBIT: stop now and I’ll murder you
ME: What?
FITBIT: I SAID GOOD FOR YOU!
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
I want to win a contest where you get a line in a movie. And I want that line to be about the chili dog I’m eating. And I’m going to keep screwing up that line. And they’re going to have to keep bringing me chili dogs.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Commenting “this aged poorly” on my friend’s wedding anniversary posts from several years ago now that she’s getting divorced
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Laying down some rules for my surfer gf… when she tells her friends why I won’t go in the water I want her to explain that I’m scared of the size of the ocean, and not just say “He’s scared” without elaborating
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
Aquafina is Spanish for “tap water in a plastic bottle”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.