If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
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If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
Fun new prank: Walk into a busy restaurant and call out the name of a rare Pok茅mon.
Me irl
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who鈥檒l never have an entire summer off again.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Contact me if there鈥檚 an emergency. This includes if you鈥檙e planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Don鈥檛 forget to get your Valentine鈥檚 Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
google maps should not count towards my screen time. i鈥檓 not addicted to my phone im disoriented
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
I called my girlfriend using my friend’s phone, she picked the call & said “hi sweetheart”, she knew it’s me even when I didn’t speak a word, TRUE LOVE EXISTS. 鉂わ笍鉂わ笍馃ズ馃ズ馃拫馃拫馃槝馃槝
WIFE: *yells into basement* Our savings account is entirely empty. Do you know what happened?
ME: *assembling robot monkey butler* No idea
I abuse music so badly. I’m always like: make me feel good, watch me dance, listen to me sing, improve my mood. She must be sick of my shit.
#ProTip
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 馃様
My years of napping and making out with strangers have prepared me for a solid career as a CPR dummy
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
Clerk: Sir this is an awful lot of cheese for one person.
Me: What?
C: You should be ashamed of yourself, panic buying is not the answer.
M: Panic buying? Um, what are you talking about, 7 blocks of cheese is a normal week for me.
C:
M:
C: Have a nice day
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
If u see me talking to myself don鈥檛 say nun to me I鈥檓 having a staff meeting
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
How I flirt with my husband:
I鈥檓 about to go to Whole Foods, so don鈥檛 report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
(spilling my bag at the airport in an attempt to show off) oh sorry lol these are just my Hot Wheels
God: you鈥檙e a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I鈥檝e chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?