Doc: The good news is this is a surprise birthday party!
Patient: But my birthday’s not till next month
Doc:Which brings me to the bad news
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“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.
I’ve cut my fingernails too short and now I can’t open my shower gel. What’s the point of being well-groomed if I can’t smell like mangos?
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
About to shave my legs let me know if anyone is interested in buying extensions
him: send me a video showing me what you want me to do to you
me:
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
[first day as police sketch artist]
“Yes those are dog ears. I wanted to give the killer a touch of whimsy.”
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
my cat’s getting pretty choosy about wet food for someone who was 85% off at the shelter
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
The internet is full of many things
Airport security: no liquids on the plane
Me: ok *starts drinking it*
Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
Handing out one tic tac each this Halloween so that children can learn that life is full of little disapointments
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito