[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable
You Might Also Like
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Do mermaids clean the sea or how does that work?
Me: I don’t have time for anxiety. I have so much to do before tomorrow.
Anxiety: Ha! Good one. You’re funny!
Me: Funny how?
“You tell Marcy that she can ask someone else to bring snacks to book club next time if it’s going to take three weeks for me to get my dish back.”
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
[first day as a sports announcer]
*clears throat*
*taps mic twice*
Me: sprots
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
[my first day at Marvel Comics]
Me: [calling my mom] I already created a new superhero!
Boss: [bursting into my office, furious] who tf is the Couscousinator?!
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Me: Is your friend coming or what?
16yo son: I don’t know. He’s not answering his texts.
Me: Why don’t you call him?
Son: I don’t know what that is.
If you dropped two noodles on the floor, they would probably resemble my name more than my signature does…
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money