-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
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🥶🥶🐶🐶
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
Lmfao
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
Apparently you can build quite a reputation if you go to all the Christian bookshops and ask if they carry Harry Potter.
Them: Anytime my friend!
Me: Ok, get your calendar out, I’m going to block out some times
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
I’m not going to pay a million dollars to go see a Macbeth movie when I can print off the Shakespeare script for free and go be all the characters in my car
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
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Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
We all have our pet causes.
Please allow children to believe in Santa. You believe in essential oils and no one is ruining it for you.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
ME *puts honey on toast*
SON: Daddy, did you know bees make that?
ME: Yeah of course[Later]
ME [to date] Did you know bees make toast?
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.