I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
You Might Also Like
I introduced my kids to the “magical snap of sleep”, when I snap my fingers the person in bed falls instantly asleep, it worked beautifully on my husband but the kids are still awake
good let them take over I have had enough
I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.
This day in history. 1998. Sonny Bono was killed while skiing at Lake Tahoe nothing to do with him trying to leave Scientology nope nothing.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
GUY: are u doing the mannequin challenge?
ME: [standing perfectly still w/ awkward facial expression] no this is just how I am around people
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
ME: make a clone of me for my wife
SCIENTIST: ok [makes a George Clooney]
ME: I said clone not Clooney. take it back
WIFE: wait a minute
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
Mom: “Do you want this?”
Me: “No.”
Mom: “Ok I’ll give it to your brother.”
Me: “No I want it.”
Me: oh look, there’s keith, don’t say anything, but he’s obsessed with doors. Oh, hi keith.
Keith: Shut it.
5 yo- can I roll down the car window?
Me- yeah, just don’t yell at that man.
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Are iPads supposed to be red with two white knobs on the bottom?
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
too old for tik tok, too young for facebook, too weird for linkedin, not weird enough for reddit, too ugly for instagram…where will i go now