CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
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If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
if ever go missing please only put pictures of me on the news where i look skinny and hot even if that means they won’t find me
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
My trainer said that I have to stop referring to Reese Cups as protein bars
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman: