Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
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To the idiots who say ghosts aren’t real, maybe you should watch this documentary called Ghostbusters.
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
On my usual morning jaunt this morning, casually advancing the society in which I live, I was briefly detained by an officer of the law. And indeed, as any law abiding citizen would do, I quickly put my clothes back on
Until I became a parent I never thought I would hear another human cry, because they stomped their own hands
Attn Single people: If marriage was so great, there would be 6 people on Twitter right now…..
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
wut hotdog?
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
Halloween costumes
Age 10: monster
Age 25: sexy fireman
Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Someone needs to invent Glade Air Freshner Clit Rings®.
You only hear about careless whispers. Shout out to all the very careful whispers, where the person really thought about the ramifications before they whispered and whatnot.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
TIP: Always carry a motorcycle helmet with u. Then u never have to do your hair & u can blame it on safety & the law & stuff.
#lifehacks
Received some very disappointing news today
Me leaving the house for plans I made when I was in an extroverted mood
Woke up against my better judgement again
[drive thru window]
toddler: can I say hi?
me: aww that’s sweet *rolls down window*
toddler: two milkshakes please
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I refuse to watch shows like “Are You Smarter than a 5th Grader?” because I already know I’m not.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.