Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
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Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
Pro tip: if you show up nude to the Zoom meeting, you don’t have to do anymore zoom meetings.
I just had a customer shout at me OVER THE SOUND OF THE FIRE ALARM that it didn’t sound “right” so they “legally” didn’t have to leave
Just once i want to meet this mythical “always right” customer I BEG
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
You had me at “she’s the one,” but lost me at “officer.”
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
I think
Therefore I am
Tongue tied
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
Genie: you have three wishes
Me: I wish we never met
Genie: but then how would I grant…
Me: your problem
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Whenever I see someone at a restaurant eating all alone I always think the same thing, “lucky”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.