Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.
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2019: The floor is lava.
2020: The year is lava.
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney you’re some big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys ppl get very upset
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
7 years ago I had a surgery at the hospital I am having a procedure at this morning, I jokingly filled out the paperwork 7 years ago, saying I like to be called “My Lady” well, the patient registrar, just called out, “MY LADY?!” followed by my last name and now I am dead. ☠️🤣🤭
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
Someone tweeted that they had just baked some synonym buns.
I replied, “Just like the ones grammar used to make?”
Now, I’m blocked.
What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
“I Got a new dress for date night!”
Hub: Thats sexy! I like the zipper going down the front *winks*
“This is the garment bag you idiot”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
Perfect
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
Gonna start passive aggressively sending herbal teas. Oh yes, I thought you’d enjoy it it’s for brain fog.
Baby rabbits🐰 look like wise old Kung Fu masters.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible![Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
When people ask “Are you high right now?”
It’s like asking someone “Are you happy and relaxed right now?” in a concerned voice.
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
i went to my first post-vaccinated family party yesterday and instantly i was nostalgic for 2020