I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
You Might Also Like
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Me: (Sigh)
Pro revenge tip: Paint a Jesus-shaped stain on your hated neighbor’s driveway, then alert local churches.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
9yo: Can I have McDonald’s for supper?
Me: Let me think about it
9yo: *gives me a hug*
9yo: Did that help?
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
I’m sitting in my car (eating peanut butter crackers) while watching a couple in another car (who are both eating cheeseburgers) & they’re watching a guy in another car (who is eating pizza.)
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Ritually cleansing* the new house
*taking down the previous owner’s live laugh love decals
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
What book is a red flag for you if your date says it’s their favorite? For me it’s the dictionary. Nobody should know that many words
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Ouija™ board by Milton Bradley – because if anyone can bridge the gap between the living and the dead, it’s the folks who brought you Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-