When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
You Might Also Like
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.
[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
Pug: did you play favorites when you named our breeds?
God: I don’t play favorites.
Pug: what about Golden Retriever and Great Dane?
God: those are just names.
Pug: yeah I guess.
God: I promise everyone got the name they deserved.
Shih Tzu: [to Pug] did you ask him yet?
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese
Please help me bring my daughter and her boyfriend home safe!
Natalie Anderson and Enmanuel Rodriguez have been missing since 6pm Monday evening. This is the last time I spoke to them. They took their dog, Sky camping and planned to return on Wednesday. When we spoke they’d
Me: Will you please just SHUT UP!
Brain: Well damn, don’t come running to me when you forget how to spell CAT.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Whenever the weather guy on tv says morning sunshine, I always say “and good morning to you too sweetie!”
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
5: I accidentally opened this bag of chips so I should probably eat them all, right, Mom?
Me: NO! Put the chips away, have a piece of fruit.
Also me, that night: welp, might as well finish off this sleeve of cookies or they’ll probably go bad.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I have a place for everything. The floor.
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
Me: *singing* They say music is the food of love
Her: I’m not hungry
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out