Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
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Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
pros and cons of being the last person alive on earth, according to my 8 year old:
con: loneliness
pro: every dog on the planet now belongs to you
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
remember when my dad found marlboro red filters in a plant pot in the backyard and accused my mom of cheating because “that’s a man’s cigarette” and whole time it was my lesbian sister
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Who’d win if Batman fought Santa? Before u say Batman, just remember who’s watching you answer.
If we can put a satellite in orbit around a comet 4 billion miles away, perhaps someday we can put a working wireless printer in my office.
Incredible customer service.
The Innuendo Society has reported a huge rise in its members
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Any new zombie movies that want to be believable need to include random people who walk directly up to zombies & get bitten on purpose because they think getting bitten will help them build immunity against being bitten. They also need to mock people trying to avoid being bitten.