I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags
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Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA’s Security guard insisting otherwise.
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Breaking news:
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
You get what you pay for. Unless the delivery man leaves it on your doorstep. Then the fastest person on your street gets what you paid for.
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
*[At the dinner table]*
“No grandma, those aren’t knitting needles. We’re having Chinese food”
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
Ever notice how loud the sound of opening a beer can at work is?
When a child whines and cries, you give it back to the mama, so…
*hands husband back to my mother-in-law*
‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputyTHINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriffTHINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your handTHINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for loveTHINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
never deleting this app.
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.