why was 6 mad when 7 won her a stuffed elephant? because 7 1 1 4 9 2
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Me: If you become a lawyer, I’ll disinherit you
16: From what?
Me: …well played
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Coworker: got a second?
Me: you mean the one you just wasted or another one?
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
Earth: Goodnight Moon
Moon: …
Earth: I said ‘Goodnight Moon’
Moon: …
Earth: Look, I don’t choose which days they celebrate
Moon: Whatever
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
How much for the goth pool noodles?
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
I thought that my dog waking me up to poop in the middle of the night was exhausting until she started pooping to wake me up, which is WAY worse.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
Why isn’t ‘ampersand’ spelled ‘ampers&’?
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
Me: I have lots of black pants because they are so versatile and go with everything.
Also, me: I cannot wear that yellow shirt with black pants because I will look like a bumble bee.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Pro tip:
Ask your boss if you can go home early since you’re not going to do anything anyways.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Went to the Planetarium to do some stargazing but I didn’t see one celebrity. Rip-off!
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
the funniest historical moment was when achilles’ mom, knowing that dunking him in the river styx would make him invulnerable, didn’t take an extra 2 seconds to dip his heel in to make sure he was 100% covered. just the laziest shit ever