indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
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I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
Sorry I chased you three city blocks but I wanted to meet your dog
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit
absolute chaos
When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
Wait, if Disney’s Cars only “eat” gasoline, why do the have teeth?
“Creation science” has the same intellectual heft as “dragon anatomy”.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
Positives about working from home:
– There’s no commute.
– I can talk to the cat all day.Negatives about working from home:
– I don’t leave the house
– I’ve started talking to the cat.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My husband accidentally texted mewting instead of meeting. Now I can’t stop picturing a bunch of kittens in a conference room.