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In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
Me: I get scared. I can’t explain it. It’s a weird feeling when the change happens.
Friend: They’re just transition lenses. Please calm down.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
It’s an epidemic…
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Man: Is there a doctor in the house?
Dr: I have a PHD in literature
Man: This man is having a heart attack!
Dr: Thou know’st ’tis common; all that lives must die…
Amazon needs an Oh Shit I Forgot to Buy a Present button.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Me: I had a bad upbringing & now I’m worried I’ll be a terrible father
Therapist: how many kids do you have?
Me: like 3 I think
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
Support your local cemetery
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
I’m going to be productive today
I’m going to be duct tiv
duct tav
duct tape
I’m going to duct tape the cat to the dog today
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
I see you posted a photograph of snow with the caption “it’s cold” could you tell me more about that
Raccoons use their hands more than any animal, so they’re basically the Italians of nature.
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.