Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
My husband spent an hour at Home Depot yesterday and I spent an hour trying to find my husband in Home Depot yesterday.
He was a real gentlemen and always opened the fridge door for me
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Could be worse. Someone could be trying to tell you that everything happens for a reason.
Where’s the lie? 🤣🤣
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
#dnd #ttrpg
I think it’d be neat if mermaids had a clam flip phone
I’d heard there was a secret chord
To charge my phone, and I need it, Lord
But you don’t know where it’s hiding right now, do you?
I feel forsaken –
The fourth, the fifth chords in the house are taken,
The baffled dad complaining…Hallelujah
Hell yeah, I found it, Hallelujah
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
If you’re wondering how lazy I am today, I just pulled a chair up to the fridge.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
If you die in a plane crash, you also die in real life. That’s just what I heard.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
The Honey Badger is my favourite animal that sounds like a really scary breakfast cereal.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
E
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ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ
ᴱ*dolphin diving off a cliff*