Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
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If you are the kind of person who would respond to Panera keeping the music up loud enough to dissuade people from making calls by just shouting over it for an hour on a conference call, I saw you today!
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
kitchen magnet
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
If u havin girl problems i feel bad for u son
jery had 73 girlfriends throughout seinfelds run
My husband still talks about that one time he loaded the dishwasher correctly like it’s going to get our kids into Harvard.
A priest, a pastor and a rabbit entered a clinic to donate blood. The nurse asked the rabbit: “what’s your blood type?”
“I’m probably a type O”, said the rabbit.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
A large group of other people’s children is called a “Nope”.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
CIVIL ENGINEER: ok let’s build stuff.
UNCIVIL ENGINEER: *smashes popsicle stick bridge*
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.