I threw a boomerang yesterday and it didn’t come back. How long do you reckon before it’s safe to turn around?
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How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
[ undercover stake out ]
me, adjusting fake mustache: all clear, how bout you
donut wrapped in lettuce: *vegetable noises*
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
become ungovernable
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
Text from teenage son: Why did you buy me a left handed belt?
kidnapper: if u don’t eat this salad we’ll kill ur friend
me:
kidnapper:
me: which friend
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
“I don’t think being an only child affected me at all.”
I say, as I straighten my tiara, whilst eating the last cookie.
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Don’t you love followers that don’t acknowledge your existence.
Its so cute. Its like I have tiny marriages all over the world.
you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
When a crab dies does it become a ghost in the shell
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.