A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
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Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
Tech support: What seems to be the problem?
Me: The child unit keeps asking me “Why?” over and over and over. I’m going crazy. Please help!
TS: That is a known glitch. The only fix is an update, which won’t be available for at least another year.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
[news anchor]
“New study shows that sex can lower blood pressure.”
Me: Did-
Wife: Your blood pressure is fine
Pollen count so high, junkies are trying to uncook their meth back to Sudafed.
I’m scared. I have this weird stabby pain in my chest and it really hurts and..Dorito. It was a Dorito in my bra.
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
Nothing says I don’t want to be here like taking the gym elevator to the second floor.
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
I don’t have a summer home, but I do have several different email addresses.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”