Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
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I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
The lady at McDonald’s gave me an extra pack of fries for free. I hope she is ok with the names I picked out for our children.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
‘It’s nice & thick…you’ll have to suck pretty hard.’
– Why I lost my job at the ice cream parlor.
Dentist: You don’t have to floss all your teeth. Only the ones you wanna keep!
*I start flossing his teeth*
D: Um…
Me: These are mine now
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
never deleting this app.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
When I’m in a bathroom stall, please don’t yell “Oh my God oh my God there’s a guy in here!” Respect my privacy.
The government created this winter storm and then closed the roads so I couldn’t go to lizard king church. I don’t even recognize this country anymore.