Dog: I don’t get it
Me: What don’t you get?
Dog: Just go over it again
Me: This is MY food and that is YOUR food
Dog: *tilts head* What?
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as an adult I encounter ingrown nose hairs far more often than random quicksand and that’s bullshit
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I asked my cat if they communicate by meowing, he didn’t answer, a couple minutes later I sneezed and he jumped off the chair looked back in disgust and meowed, I think we all know what he said…
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
sorry but who wants to search “price: high to low”
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Wow my pants are really loose today
*skips to the nearest vending machine*
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
He paid me $150 for the “girlfriend experience,” so I went through his phone then locked myself in the bathroom, sobbing inconsolably.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
Me: If it waddles like a duck and quacks like a duck, it’s probably a duck.
Daughter: Didn’t you waddle when you were pregnant with my sister?
Me: *stops the car* get out!
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
“Why is this food more expensive than it was this morning”
“Sir this is a Wendy’s”
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
Our dog snores so loud we had to rename him Grandpa
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.