I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
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How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
[job interview]
How would you improve our business?
“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
FUN GAME: when someone tells you the name of their new baby, repeat it back to them, with their surname, and say “Like the murderer?!”
HYPNOTIST: YOU ARE FEELING SLEEPY
ME: kinda safe bet there
HYPNOTIST: YOU WILL DANCE LIKE AN OCTOPUS
ME: again, still no surprises.
Funny how airport security always “randomly” chooses me for physical checking. Even when I’m not even at the airport and chilling at home.
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
What’s that? Been thinking about us having another kid? Hold on, honey.
*calls son into room
Check it out, he glued a football to his head
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”