[getting yelled at by a stranger] whatever you’re just mad because i’m in your chimney
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*opens twitter*
*sees “Show me 2 photos of yourself that you like”*
*closes twitter*
Extremely relatable.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Caught my girlfriend having sex with an abstract artist. He said “it’s not what it looks like”
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Me: *laughing in the face of danger*
Danger: *kills me*
Place a STUDENT DRIVER sign on top of your car, and suddenly nobody suspects you of drunk driving.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
I’d like to make a blanket statement right now to say that fleece is far superior to wool.
I just filled up my gas tank and went to a movie and bought a large soda and popcorn, I spent roughly 7000 dollars.
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed