Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
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took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Does this dress make me look cat?
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
My favorite thing right now is calling air pods ‘air buds’ in front of my daughter and her friends.
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
dropping acid is irresponsible like damn bro don’t be so clumsy
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…
Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
I don’t know about eating 8 spiders a year but I’m definitely eating kilos of dog fur.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Why are gifts in airports so expensive? God’s punishing you for waiting until the flight home to buy your wife a gift.
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Cat: HUMAM! AM LEARN U CAN WIN MANY MONEY IF U DO A BET ON AN SPORTS
Me: yeah that’s true
Cat: MONEY GET MANY FOOD
Me: also true
Cat: WELL
Cat: CAT AM HAVE FOOLPROOF WAY 2 KNOW WHICH SPORTS TEAM 2 PICK
Me: oh
Cat: DO A BET ON AN TEAM WHO HAS MOST SCORE AT END OF GAME
Me: thanks
WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever