I’d rather my kid bring home head lice than another goddamn fundraising form.
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Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
I saw my close personal friend Jim smelling chairs at the movie theater this morning and when he saw me watching he just said “no one will believe you”
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Bringing Egg Nog to Thanksgiving just for the evil glares.
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Prop Manager *checks gun*
“There are real bullets in here.”Rookie prop assistant: “Yeah we are out of fake blood.”
In tense moments i like to think “what would Jesus do” and then violently flip over a bunch of tables.
I never eat spiders in my sleep because I hang a sign at the door to my mouth that says “I’m a vegetarian” and they know to leave
My 7yo made a bed for his new stuffed giraffe on a windowsill, covering him with a bath towel.
I asked why the giraffe couldn’t just sleep with him in his bed, and I don’t have it in me to debate his reply:
“He’s a giraffe. He won’t fit in a bed.”
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
Her: You act like the Earth revolves around you.
Sun: *sigh* OK, Karen. Let’s go through this one more time.
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
A large group of Karens is called a Homeowner’s Association…
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Met a girl last night and went back to her place. I noticed in her wardrobe that she has a nurses outfit, maids outfit and a policewomans outfit, so I made my excuses and left.
If she can’t hold a job down she isn’t the girl for me.
Scroll
Scroll
Scroll your phone,
gently down the screen.
Merilly
Merrily
Merrily
Merrily
MY GOD THAT’S OBSCENE!!!!!!!!!
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
I’m a mom so that means I have to clean the shower while I’m taking one.