Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
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Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
My 5yo didn’t wanna get in the bath last night so I told her it was filled with birthday water and this was her only chance to experience it until her next bday and I’ve never seen her get in the bath faster. Now if you don’t mind, I’m gonna ride this parenting high for a bit.
The date was going so well until he called me gorgeous and I blew a bubble out of my nose on accident.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
i be like “why does god give me his hardest battles” and the battle is cooking instead of ordering delivery
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
My 6 year old asked to play charades with me yesterday. At first she was trapped behind an invisible wall, then suddenly she was eating soup, then driving a car. She dismissed each guess as completely absurd. Finally, frustrated by my ballerina guess, she said, “I’M A MIME, DAD!”
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
78, 68, 77, 69, 78, 68, 75, 65, 75, 67, 79, 60
My mom & me, changing the thermostat behind each other’s backs.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
Dude with 7 followers is criticizing my jokes. That’s not a Twitter account. It’s a group text.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”