stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
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I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Date palm: a tree that also describes my romantic life.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
Me: *brings home new puppy*
My dogs: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
I highly recommend anything.
– Stoners.
COP: careful, this guy’s insane
DETECTIVE: ok
[he walks into the interrogation room]
ME: i dont like the creme part of oreos
D: jesus christ
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
Watching drunk twins fight.
The similarities are staggering, and striking.
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Anyone else notice the world starting to get worse after Iron Man died?
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
*looks gift horse in the mouth
Gift Horse: Hey, my eyes are up here.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.