[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
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There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
[terrible nursing home]
Old guy: How did you end up here?
Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs.
Him: *gasps* You monster.
I can only assume that when realtors list a “modest home,” that means it is a house that has never once worn leggings or yoga pants
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
I love you too, my dear tree. But I fear my wife is beginning to suspect
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
crochet youtube is brutal
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
Reasons trains are delayed/cancelled in Britain:
– Wrong kind of sun
– Ominous cloud
– Slightly damp leaf
– Chilly track
– Suspicious gravel
– Doubtful platform
– Cynical breeze
– Wobbly signal
– Inclement vibe
– Sarcastic swan
Me: Go to school!
9yr Old: It’s Sunday.
Me: Go to church!
9yr Old: I’m Jewish.
Me: Convert!
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
if you believe in the butterfly effect, then you know that people who react slowly to green lights are responsible for everything.
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Everyone’s talking about how Shia LaBeouf plagiarized Daniel Clowes, but nobody said anything when Kristen Stewart plagiarized paint drying.
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life