Neighbors had a DJ and massive sound system in their back yard, played until after midnight. They are going to love what I’m doing at 6am tomorrow.
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[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
HERE’S A KID WITH NO ARMS AND NO LEGS AND HIS PARENTS ARE DEAD AND YOU’LL DIE SOON TOO, BUY THINGS.
– Super Bowl Commercials in a nut shell
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
being a pirate is so easy…I can do it standing on one leg
Teach a man to shake and he will be able to greet everyone. Give a man a shake and all the boys will come to his yard
LADIES, imagine this.
It’s 15 years from now. Your son is playing pee-wee football. Your husband has been working with him all summer. Your little girl is cheering on her big brother at the fence. The coach benches him and puts in a golden retriever.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
it should be socially acceptable to just face the wall at a party when you need a break from talking
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
5…! 4…! 3…! 2…! 1…! RENT IS DUE!!! 🎉🥳🎉
[job interview]
What experience do you have plucking chickens?
Me: See all those hairs on my chin?
No.
Me: Exactly.
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Him: pick up those new bareskin condoms.
*later*
Him: why is there hair on this & wtf, is that a claw?
Me: next time get them yourself. Do you know how hard it is to skin a bear?
Everyone compliments the jumpsuit when you wear it out—but when you get to the bathroom it’s just you and your choices
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
Def Leppard: “Pour some sugar on me. Ooh, in the name of love”
Def Leppard’s Mom: “Just great! Now we’re going to have ants!”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.