They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
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Stop telling me velociraptor was the size of a large turkey. You’re ruining everything.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
Have sex in the shower? I can’t even wash shampoo out of my hair without holding on to the wall so I don’t fall over.
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
Hub: This looks delicious! I love spaghetti!
Me: I know
Hub: Pass the foot powder.
~and that’s why I can never eat Parmesan cheese again
[god making pugs]
What if a football had asthma?
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I miss the days before security cameras, when everything at the store was free.
Me, a detective: I have a weird feeling in my gut about this guy.
My Mom: you just have to poop.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
sir, my pâté if you please
There was a time you couldn’t drive a computer if you didn’t have a driving license…
me w/kids:
Don’t tell anybody where you learned that.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
Forever Alone Barbie: Comes with 20 cats, and a Twitter account. Alcoholism and debilitating depression not included.
Me to Kids: …and so the princess married the first person who asked her, and that’s called ‘settling,’ can you say ‘never settle,’ children?
Husband, walking in: What the- what kind of bedtime story is THAT?
Me, fleeing room: And they all lived happilyeveraftergoodnight!
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.