I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
Nothing makes me more anxious than when I answer the same letter, three questions in a row on a multiple choice test.
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Me: What is the opposite of truth?
My kid: Dare
Me: okay
Me: wait what????
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
Sticker placement is key.
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Coworker: I have a degree in History. Me: That’ll really come in handy if life starts going backwards.
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
The hot chocolate mustache stays on during sex
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
black phone good
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
I think I found a perfect place for Spongebob.
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
I see you keep your wallet and cell phone in your bra
Cute
*reaches into bra, pulls out an entire wheel of cheese*
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
1st girl @ the moon:
– Houston, we have a problem
– What happened?
– Nothing, doesn’t matter
– Come on
– Nothing..
– Tell me
– U should know
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.