If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
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Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
You know I’m something of a chef myself
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
It’s not drinking alone if you’re stuck in traffic
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
Apparently, “No kidding!” isn’t a good response when your boss says he’s confused.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
Me: Hypothetically, if I was lost in the woods, would you find me?
Dog: In this hypothetical, do you have a donut?
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
From Facebook just now…
(by @ZachWeiner )
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Just parrot things
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
Me: *nods in agreement
Narrator: in reality Mike had no clue what she was talking about
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
I freely admit to snorting with laughter #piggate #pigfilms
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
[commercial]
“Is there a dull film on your dishes?”
Me: [looking closely] Holy shit is that The English Patient?
me: “spends hours with my favourite person”
me as soon as they leave:
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate