I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
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Stop asking yourself if something is a good idea and start asking yourself if you can get away with it.
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
*Husband sneezes loudly
Me: What do we say to Daddy, kids?
Kids, in unison: NO ONE WANTS YOUR GERMS
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”Two days have passed, no reply.
C. S. Lewis: *writes a Narnia book in a week with no outline*
me: *writing multiple drafts of a three-sentence DM to a crush*
I’m at that age where I panic a little if I randomly smell toast.
Jesus: this is my body
disciples: *eat bread*
Jesus: this is my blood
disciples: *drink wine*
Jesus: I also made brownies
Judas: but I have diabetes
Jesus: huh. Well, isn’t this a shame *holds eye contact while eating a brownie* shame, shame, shame
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
BOUNCER: I’m sorry miss, you are too drunk to come in.
ME: [lifting shirt] initiate Care Bear Stare!
BOUNCER: Oh, my mistake
ME: [smiling proudly]
BOUNCER: I’m sorry SIR, you are too drunk to come in.
Typos are what differentiates is from robots
I’d get up off the couch today but Newton’s first law of motion says bodies at rest remain at rest and who am I to argue with physics