These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
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i don’t think the t-rex’s arms were that small i just think a frustrated paleontologist grabbed two bones and lied
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
If your jokes are corny I’m all ears.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.
Celery. For when you really need to chew your water.
The pen can’t be mightier than the sword if actions speak louder than words. Someone needs to make their damn mind up here!
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I drank my recommended amount of water today, yay!
Okay, well there was some vodka mixed in every cup, but still.
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me[peels off pepperoni]
she loves me not
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.