my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
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My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Kylo Ren: Hey, why is my paycheck so low?
General Hux: Damages. Maybe you should stop throwing temper tantrums with your lightsaber.
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Wife holding bank statement: What’s this payment?
Me: we’re sponsoring a panda!
W: so is this monthly?
M: No, it’s just for the one skydive
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
If your friend says they can’t swim, don’t make them go in the water because they might be hiding the fact that they’re a robot and you don’t want them to know that you know.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.
Plagiarism is bad? Change a few words, that shit is yours. It’s like when you change a baby’s clothes- new baby. New baby that’s yours now.
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
[watching action movie]
*hero stealthily snaps guard’s neck*
me: damn, I bet that felt really good
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
3 asked if I remembered when she had a cough and I brought her snacks in bed and I asked if she was worried about getting a cough because of the pandemic and she said what pandemic can I just bring her snacks in bed
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you