My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
You Might Also Like
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“Half a league, half a league, half a league onward,” though obscure has a better ring to it than 2640 yards, 2640 yards, 2640 yards onward.
Me: I can’t wait to get naked and be inside you!
Sleeping bag salesman: ….. so did I mention there’s a non-return policy on those?
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
[dog on trial for murder]
lawyer: who’s a good boy?
dog: I am
lawyer: your honor I rest my case
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Pronouncing “driest” like priest
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Unscramble: pnise
If you got spine, you are correct. The rest of you have been on twitter too long.
Me: C’mon, baby. Just the tip?
Her: No!
Me: Awww, cmon!
Her: No, you’re paying the whole bill this time.
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
when swimming in the ocean always wear a hat so you don’t get sharks in your hair