Eating my way out of the ball pit.
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I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
My only chance at a big house in the country is if I become a rescue dog
I got a text from an unknown number that said “Game on.”
It’s either a wrong number, or someone wants to wear my skin like a suit.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.
Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.
Friend: I haven’t used it yet.
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
I’ve been learning to cook.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
experienced cop: it’s ok kid, you get used to it
millennial rookie cop, retching near murder scene: the coffee you brought was not artisanal
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
Christmas is becoming more and more commercialised every year. Pushing up prices in every sector
This tweet is brought to you by Tesco
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
(Creating Atheists)
God: Make some humans Sciencey
Angel: Will they believe in you?
God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!