People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
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Surgeon: I can barely cut anything with this scalpel
Nurse: [whispering to patient] I’m sorry he’s just not that into you
Serious question, why do rich people wear monocles? Like they can afford two lenses, am I right?
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
In today’s modern work world employees, even those working remotely, can call in and key in their hours over the phone. It’s a big change from prehistoric times when Fred Flintstone would clock in and out in person with a physical punch card made of stone.
just pretend nothing happened
my tinder date ended up being a bald mannequin i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the hotel
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
I recorded my husband snoring and then played it back to hear it and he rolled over and said, “TURN THAT DOWN I’M TRYING TO SLEEP!”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
Baby let’s play doctor. I’ll go first. You owe me $3200.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
My girlfriend once made me change because I was wearing green pants with a blue shirt. “You look like the earth,” she said.
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
9y/o: *digging a hole in the backyard* I buried this box, with some coins in it, a few days ago. But as soon as I did I just couldn’t stop worrying about it. I don’t know how pirates do it.
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
“Ok, let’s go now” 😂
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
Girl, are you an umbrella? Because you’re never with me when I need you & I’ve forgotten you at a restaurant 4 or 5 times.
(1st day as senator) yeah yeah but MY first priority is to find a mayo related food poisoning victim named cole and pass cole’s law