if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
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”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a bilingual journalist to help, are they?
Flight attendant: We need a Spanish translator
Me: *puts book down*
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
[space launch]
ASTRONAUT: houston we have a problem
ME: *elbows him* lol we’re gonna get mooned
ASTRONAUT: *sighs* houston we have two problems
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Ever notice how drunken late night snacks are the most creative? Long story short, last night’s Kung Pao Cheerios were rather tasty.
sigh
i stopped listening to the radio once they stopped making them out of ham
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
Thankfully, my family and I already had a series of underground dens connected by tunnels that we dug with our strong mole hands.
I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
I thought there was something wrong with my eye because the area around it was swollen but it was just my face getting fatter
reading Agatha Christie has ruined me for all other books. there are no murders in the first chapter? a child isn’t offed at a Hallowe’en party? nobody falls in love on a train? rewrite this please
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
[sneeze one]
Bless you
[sneeze two]
Bless you
[sneeze three]
You are under arrest